The Tragedy of Drug Sniffing Dogs

I used to work on a site called The Sputnik Drug Information Zone. The site was devoted to information on inebriants both popular and obscure.

We had a small humor section that included a satirical article by a fellow named Mike Todd that I’d yanked from usenet after it gave me the giggles.

Little did I guess how furious this article would make people in law enforcement, or how seriously they would take it! I thought it was pretty silly, but I guess it hit a little too close to home.

Here’s the article that raised the fuss:

Drug Sniffing Dogs…
…an American Tragedy

Often portrayed as a hero, the Drug Sniffing Dog makes headlines daily. Sniffing their way to fame by putting the “bad guys” away. However, few people really know the dark, shady and tragic side of this story.

They hand pick dogs, usually Sheperds, from the finest and purest genetic stock. The dogs are purchased with taxpayer funds. The canines are then put through a rigorous and brutal gauntlet, in a boot camp known to insiders as “Stalag C.” They break the dogs’ spirit, and destroy their sense of identity.

When the dogs finally graduate, they are all introduced to cocaine. Yes, gradually at first, but always the dose increases, until even the Milk BonesTM are laced with the pure white powder. When the dogs are all hooked to the point that they need an entire gram just to start out the day, they go on to the next phase: Active duty.

They start out with small busts at first, just to give the dogs a taste. By the time the Drug Sniffing Dogs move into the big time, say a slot with the D.E.A., they have been reduced to sniveling, quivering addicts. Snorting and sniffing like drug-crazed fiends, through kilo after kilo.

Once the Drug Sniffing Dogs burn out, they are turned loose. Penniless and homeless, without so much as a family to love, children to play with, or a bone to call their own. The hopelessly addicted dogs wander the streets: Sleeping in alley ways, urinating on cars; willing to sit up, lay down, roll over, heel, or even beg just for that sweet taste of one more fix.

Many people ask if a Drug Sniffing Dog can be rehabilitated. The answer is simple: Nobody really knows.

It is going to take a large, concerted effort on the part of all of us to stop this cruelty. Please, do your part today to help these dogs. Take them into your homes. Show them that living clean and sober can bring just as much joy as being strung out for a week on cocaine.

Ultimately, some of these ex-drug dogs may even find a new high in God. Imagine your sense of joy, as your Drug Sniffing Dog rediscovers himself, and the simple joys of chasing balls, bird hunting, scratching, butt sniffing, and simply laying on the floor at someone’s feet.

Adopt a Drug Sniffing Dog today. Give these addicts a new lease on life. Make every day a “Drug Dog Day.”

Thank you for your support.
Mike Todd

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snig·gle (v) — To fish for eels by thrusting a baited hook into their hiding places.